The French Will Always Be With Us

Flag-waving patriots are determined to hate the French, to punish them, shun them, and reject all things French. They want to sever our "tired, old relationship." We are urged to call French men "frogs." The women aren't so bad - actually quite nice. You might say goregeous or magnifique. You know what I mean. Monique, Simone, Gigi, Nichole, Brigitte, and Collette come to mind. Oo la la.

Let's see, where were we? Um. Oh. France wanted us to wait for the UN inspectors, led by that French-acting Hans Blix, to complete the search in Iraq before we did the Shock & Awe. The hapless Blix couldn't find one weapon of mass destruction, all the while Dick Cheney, Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld knew right where they were. The Secretary of State informed the UN Security Council - in a major speech on television - as to the number, size, shape, color, nature, and location of the WMD in Iraq.

Cancel the French fries and the Bordeaux. Close the French doors. Say no to everything French, including the language: avoid liason, rendezvous, bouquet, eclair, perfume, enterprise, cafe, romance, republic, and liberty. Coup de grace those into le garbage.

Rugged Yanks scoff at the cowardly behavior of those continental wimps and enjoy humor at their expense. We hear that the French have two choices when confronted by a hostile enemy: 1.) Run and hide 2.) Surrender and collaborate. They've grown romantic and soft, but to their credit, the French have an impressive history of military service to their homeland.

Just as the Italian warriors of the last century were timid compared to the Roman legions of Caesar, the modern French seem to be wary of war after centuries of bloody conflicts. Under Napolean Bonaparte, France conquered Europe, Eygpt, and Russia. When the French army entered Moscow, they found a city already torched and scorched by the Russian defenders. The French forces struggled to survive the winter and lost more than 400,000 men to combat, hunger and cold before retreating home.

Napolean's France paid a terrible price for his triumphs, but he never expressed remorse for the fallen. Mothers, fathers and countrymen suffered the bitter sorrow with no consolations from the emperor.

The First World War was extremely costly for all participants, and the worst of the fighting was on French soil. Most of the casualties were named Pierre, Charles and Maurice. From 1914 to 1918, French parents sacrificed one and one-half million sons to the business of war. Such a staggering death toll would do a number on any people and pump pacifist ideas into the genes.

Pacifism has become a national ideal with the French, who have been reluctant to engage in battle since about 1940. While feeling safe and secure behind their "impregnable" Maginot Line, the French watched Herr Hitler march around the fortification and defeat a half-hearted French army in no time at all. The advancing Germans took more than a million French POWs in two weeks of "fighting." The French did not fire a single shot in defense of Paris.

Consider what the fate of geography did to the French. With imperialist Great Britain only 60 miles across the channel and militarist Germany on their eastern border, France has suffered from insomnia. Who could rest living between Bloody Englishmen and Huns? Smack dab in the middle. They finally resorted to the white flag, or the yellow one, when threatened.

The modern French love peace, detest war and worked hard to stop our invasion of Iraq. Why don't we forgive them? How about a rapprochement/ (Another great French term.) The warm friendship we've had with France since 1776 is worth handling with care.

A mature and civilized people, the French excel in the art of diplomacyy - what the world needs now. They oppose us at times, but they will always be with us.

Merci to the French for their vital assistance in our American revolution, that sweet deal called the Louisiana Purchase, the Statue of Liberty, the City of New Orleans, the finest words in our vocabulary and beau coup cultural gifts to our society. Viva la France.

We'll always have Paris.



Thoughts While Jaywalking

* Lord, we don't need another mountain. Or another federal agency. But we could use one more - an agency a bureau, an office - to monitor talk radio and mete out punishment to the detected lies of the usual suspects. Punishments could be: 1.) One month's suspension for a truth twister or a half-truth. 2.) A week in Gitmo (on the inside) for a lie or untruth.

* Heed the words of our president: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

* Smog? What smog?


For Sale

Orrin Hatch power neckties, a dollar a dozen. Worn only once.

Overheard

In a super market, a man asked the store manager where to find the health foods. The manager pointed to the spot, and the man asked: "Does that mean your other products aren't healthful?"


IT'S ALL SO SIMPLE.