SAD HISTORY

Hey, I found my way back from the tender trap they call San Diego. I know, you didn't miss me or call 911. It's okay, at least I escaped. More than a million people are permanently stuck there, with the lazy weather, the pounding surf, the addicting good feeling, etc. Whew!

Back in reality, I overheard four men talking - no, arguing - about why we attacked Iraq. What other war in our pretty noble history raises questions like this? One of the men in the discussion said, "It wasn't oil. We really thought they had WMD, so we had to go in there."

Another guy said, "We have to protect Israel. We were concerned that Saddam would go after them."

The third dude said, "I just believe we needed more bases in the area to insure peace and protect our interests. We have bases in Germany, Japan, Korea, and about 50 other spots. But we had very little power in the Middle East."

They wear me out. It's oil. Remember, the war was for oil. American and British companies drilled and pumped Iraq's oil before Saddam. Then he kicked them out. Now, Exxon, Chevron and British Petrol are back in Iraq, big time.

It's all so simple.

Thoughts While Looking for my Wallet

- Did you know that the president said he gave up chocolates because of the war? A few months later, he told the press that he'd given up playing golf because of the war.

- Suddenly, Iraq is back burner; Afghanistan is on the front; Iran is about to go into the oven.

- Friends, enemies and the undecided have insisted I clarify my recent remarks about our national currency. Here goes: Unbacked money is ultimately worthless and should be spent immediately upon receiving, before others realize how worthless it is.

Meeting & Events

- "Volunteers to leave Dixie" will meet Tuesday at 2 pm in the Convention Center. A large gathering is desired because this growth thing has gotten out of hand.

- Dr. Ira Longterm, economist, will speak on the prospects of paying people to emigrate from Dixie, thus mitigating the water problem. The project for a water pipeline from Lake Powell could be scrapped, and some of the $1,000,000,000 saved could be paid to those who get out of town. The public is invited to the talk to be given at the airport waiting room tonight at 7 pm.

START SPREADING THE NEWS

The recession is over. They never do last very long, which is the reason many folks don't know about them until they're gone. Yup, we had one and it pinched a bit. But the good days have returned, so it's back to our lattes, dinners and extravagances which employ so many good Americans and immigrants, keeping us out of another recession. You should tell any of your friends who've lost the faith that happy days are here again.

Maybe you haven't heard: our money is actually debt-based. We have to keep the stuff circulating. It's funny money; call it magic paper. You can't redeem it for anything, however, as long as people feel good they'll keep on feeling good.

What recession?

You heard it here first.

It's all so simple.

Thoughts While Waiting In Line:

The province of China that had the mammoth earthquake several weeks back counts five million homeless victims. They don't have a recession, either. And it's not a depression in China. The situation is a desperate life-or-death struggle to survive without shelter or provisions.

Overheard At Frenchy's

"How come these million dollar babies in the major leagues chew bubble gum?"

"Why is a foul ball in play in a baseball game?"

"What's with these candidates for president who walk around with their hands in their pockets. Ain't they got no class at all?"

Meeting & Events

The public is invited to a lecture at the main library, Friday 6 pm. A speaker from the Soul Travel club will address the Dixie Metaphysical Society on the topic: "Where to leave your body while you're out of it, so you can find it when you return."

NOT SURGE, SPLURGE

How could anyone not be relieved with the reduced killing in Iraq? For months, a civil war raged with American and Coalition forces caught in the middle. Then the famous surge was launched by our commander-in-chief. He sent 30,000 additional troops to add to the 120,000 already there. Well, what do you know? The fighting subsided and the civil war ended. The self praise and congratulations and boastings have filled the air ever since.

But wait, another factor entered in which was recently admitted but never received publicity. Our military stepped up its distribution of cash to combatants. Sort of a "Federal Reserve Notes for Peace" program. Several top Sunni Sheiks were paid top dollar to stop their forces from attacking Shiites, especially in Basra and Sadr City. With no exaggeration, we paid a few million here and several million there. Each soldier in the Sunni army of insurgents has averaged $300 per month from Uncle Sam. This was the case in at least six locations of Iraq. We bought the peace.

Call it Splurge. The vaunted Surge provided only a 20% increase in boots on the ground. Depositing millions of dollars into the right hands probably had much more impact.

We should recognize that Bush's stunning strategy of paying our enemies to stop their hostile actions far surpasses diplomacy as an alternative to fighting. $hock and awe. Bring 'em on $$$$. Mi$$ion accompli$hed.

$plurge. There's no blood spilled in a splurge.

It's all so simple.

Overheard At Only The Lonely

- "Yesterday, the president issued one of those executive orders to allow offshore drilling of oil. This man is slow, I mean backward. He just now thought of that? If I were the president, we'd be selling oil by now, not buying the stuff."

- "I don't follow the news but I recall that the Democrats won the last election, so I guess they ended the war like they said, huh? Tell me, did the enemy follow us home?"

Meetings & Events

- Claire Voyant, the internationally famous psychic will speak to her Dixie area followers in the main ballroom of the..........oh, you know.

- A party will be held to honor the 100th rider of the Sun Tran bus system. A prize of free rides for the month of August will be presented by our song-writing Senator Hatch, if he's not busy at the music awards. Watch for details.

WHAT'S THIS SOCIALISM?

In this United States of America, you think of banking and mortgage houses and brokerage firms as citadels of capitalism. So guess what happens when the going gets rough.

SOCIALISM.

They call in Karl Marx and the government bail-out crew to save them.

The free market would work, if we'd only try it sometime. The wise investors would win fortunes and the reckless ones would lose their shirts, at least. That would be free enterprise. But Americans who boast about it the most apparently don't really believe in it.

No wonder the poor people in this country don't want to pay taxes.

The government didn't bail out the small hardware stores and drug stores when Wal-Mart (subsidized by sweetheart deals with municipalities) came to town and used predatory pricing procedures to erase them.

No one rushed in to help mom and pop in the corner grocery stores when they were eaten alive by Krogers, Albertsons and Safeway.

The monster federal government isn't interested in you if you're small. I know a man who had seven employees and was turned down for a loan by the Small Business Administration. They told him, "Your business is too small."

It's all so simple.

Thoughts While Sharpening My Pitchfork

We're going to wait 'til the midnight hour. You know the signal. When you receiveth it, goeth to the warehouse, and lock and load. The key is under the mat. Giveth them a chance to surrender.

Overheard At Frenchy's

"Whatever happened to Randolph Scott?"

Help Wanted

Commissioned gringo salesmen to market ladders ( 52 footers ) to future immigrants south of the new border wall in Arizona. Protected territories, huge demand, pay in pesos. Apply in person at construction site. Must be bilingual ( Spanish and Chinese.)

GUVMINT SNOOPS

Stop calling me. They're bugging my phone. Don't write to me either because I'm sure they're opening the mail. Meet me in the park or in my car.

The Senate approved The Great Dictator's request for still more wiretapping. (Our own Orrin Hatch was at the lead for this latest affront to our liberty.) What happened to the big-talking candidate? Well, he's no different, he went along with the fascist gang. Both Orrin and Obama voted against your privacy.

But we called him out on strikes months ago.

It's all so simple.

Thoughts While Changing A Tire

- The subject of foreign aid has been a touchy topic for years. Surprising to learn that the governments of Sweden and Japan give away far more money to needy nations than we do (on a per capita basis.)

- Let's see now. More than three million Iraqis have fled the country to become refugees in Jordan. Another 150,000 have died in the war. We killed one and one-half million young and elderly Iraqis with our 11-year blockade sanctions on food and medicine. Please add up the terrible total, I don't want to.

- My bank is giving away free popsicles to anyone who opens an account. I am so moved by this that I find it impossible to comment. There must be something here I don't comprehend.

Meetings & Events

Coalition support group for the persecuted minorities of Dixie meets on Saturday afternoons in Smith's parking lot. We're talking loiterers, scooter riders, the childless, tailgaters, jaywalkers, tatooed folks, and clueless people.

NO MORE SOUTHERN GOVERNORS

We'll have to change the Constitution to amend the qualifications for president, and bar governors from the South. If we had done this, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush would have been precluded, excluded and eluded.

If this proposal is debated, we'll be elated, inflated and satiated.

The heat in Georgia, Arkansas and Texas fries the brain, causing leadership qualities to melt too much for consideration as president.

Heat poses no such problem in Utah, Nevada and Arizona because it's a dry heat.

It's all so simple.

Thoughts While Jogging

In about 200 days the lame duck will be a dead duck.

Overheard at Frenchy's

"Isn't that Glenn Beck at the end of the bar?"

"Nah, he's just some omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent chatter box."

Twenty-years From Now News

The Olympics Committee has accepted the bid of St. George, Utah to host the 2032 summer games. City officials are making plans to curtail the smog and move the loiterers out of sight before the throngs of international travelers arrive.

Meetings & Events

- Support group for folks who don't have a support group will hold its first meeting in the library on Tuesday evening.

- Clock Watchers support group meets Wednesdays at Holiday Inn. Watch for time and date.

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SOME LIKE IT HOT

Some people can't tell friends from enemies, natural from synthetic, merger from hostile takeover, waterboarding from surfing, up from down, inflation from rising prices, love from like, democracy from republic, eloquent speech from psychobabble, desert from deseret or dessert, and global warming from summer.

Meetings & Events

What Do Codgers Want Expo will feature speakers and exhibits focusing on the false perceptions of most "whipper snappers." The big question is: "Doesn't everyone lose their keys?"

Overheard At Slippery Slope Saloon

"My new neighbor moved to St. George five weeks ago, and already he's out there marching in parades to stop the growth."